So, I have been working on all my intuitive stuff for about a year now. I keep being told, by different Intuitive Healers/Reiki Masters/card readers that I need to let go of my fear. Apparently, I have a lot of fear of the unknown, my abilities, change, failing, etc. I am sure a lot of people have those same fears. Those people who never face them, or give in to them, keep themselves more limited than those who look them in the face, and challenge them. This is what I am working on doing. Challenging them. Because I want to be the best “me” that I can be. And be able to use alll my abilities. Because, I am more excited of the possibilities,  than fearful. So, I need to push forward with looking deep into myself to discover what is holding me back.

I have a massage client who recently told me that his elderly father died. He was having a hard time moving on. But, something he said had a big impact on me, and it wasn’t until just now that I figured out why. He said he is working on becoming his own person now that his father is gone. He was always following in his Dad’s footsteps, one step behind. Now that he was on his own, in his 60’s, he was discovering his true being.  Wow! Those are powerful words!

For some reason, I was just thinking about his words, while vacuuming my house (you must think of something while you vacuum, right?). It suddenly dawned on me…that is soooo me right now. Both my Mom and Dad are very different from me, especially the “new” me. My Dad is 81, and is very “New England”. This is not a bad thing. Those who know New Englanders know what I mean! Not many people there who believe in fairies! He is great, though. He reads my every blog, and listens to what I have to say. He is just excited that I am working on finding my true self and very supportive.  My mom is 70, and has lived all over. She is her own person. Doesn’t care what other people think. Still beautiful at 70, flirtatious, loved by most. She is single now, and very happy. She does NOT, however, share my new beliefs. She is supportive, however, and listens to what I have to say.

Lately, I realize that I have become more resistant to talking to my mom about my ongoing findings. I could not figure out why. Until today.

It is because she is so different from me, in some ways. I have always looked up to her, because she is so independent. She has helped build houses, renovated existing houses, she can make her own clothes, she is an amazing artist and an amazing cook, she is very social, but fine with being by herself. Who wouldn’t want to be like her? I have been comparing myself to her all these years, and I never felt like I matched up. I can’t (or have never TRIED) doing most of those things.  I have always looked to her for advice, no matter what, and she always gave it, no matter if she agreed with me or not. Even my husband goes to her for advice. And, I realize that if she doesn’t agree with us, we tend to change our minds and agree with her. She is my mom, after all, and she knows all!

But, lately, I have been rebelling against that. I am, after all, 47 now! I don’t need a mom in that way anymore. I have been living on my own and supporting myself for a long time. I am totally independent of her. Yet, I (we) still seem to ask her opinion on a lot of things. And, talk to her about changes we are going to make before making them. Then, decide what to do accordingly. I am an adult, yet feel like a child when I am with her. Which is totally my own fault. I allow it to happen that way, because….hmmm. I am not sure how to answer that one.

So, I have decided it is time to be a constant adult. One of the ways I can do that is to be me. Really me. My mom has already told me she loves me, and will support me no matter what happens in the future. She may not share the same beliefs or ideas, but that doesn’t matter. And, I need to always remember that. Just because she doesn’t believe in the things I am starting to believe in, doesn’t mean she feels differently towards me. (Even if she laughs when I tell her I could actually “feel”  something tugging at my hair. I really could! It was very cool!)

The main thing is, I want to be the real me before my mom is gone. I want her to be around to see me shine, and not wait until it’s too late, and wonder what she would have thought. I want to come out of her shadow, and let the world see me for who I am. I want to stop comparing myself to her, and focus on my strengths, yet work on my weaknesses.  I want to feel proud of my abilities, my true self, and not feel that I have to hide it from anyone.  Especially my Mom.

 Writing this is good for me. Maybe it will help someone reading it discover that they feel the same way. I am certain it is a common thing for kids. I am also certain it is a same-sex kind of thing-men and their dads, and women with their moms.

So, Mom, here is to the new me, that will finally be an adult with you. Not your daughter always looking for advice and approval. I love you!

Until the next realization….