As I sit here tonight, which could possibly be my baby’s last night on earth, I think about my life with my beautiful golden retreiver, Kodabear. We found out 3 months ago he had hemangiosarcoma, an aggressive cancer of the blood vessels. He was given 3 months to live. today, we found out that he most likely also has prostate cancer. we have been doing great treating the hsa, so this was a total unexpected shock. Even if we were to have his prostate removed, which is a bad operation in itself, they only give him a month to live after that. So, we decided against that one. So, we will make him comfortable. The problem is, it is pressing on his already over-extended bladder, and making him have to pee constantly. All this means I have no idea how many more days, if that, he will be with us.

I remember the first day we met him. He picked us out, with his beautiful blonde eyelashes blinking at us, from the other side of the puppy fence. We instantly fell in love, and he was ours within a few days. He was my first real responsibility. I had other animals, but there is nothing like a dog. So, right from the start, he taught me about putting others in front of me. No more going away overnight without planning ahead. No more leaving for more than 5 hours at a time, without at least putting our back-up plan in motion. No more having extra money to blow, bc I would much rather spend it on him instead.

He taught me so much in return, it blows my mind. He taught me all about unconditional love. About being non-judgemental. About trusting everything until proven otherwise. About just being calm, and relaxing, and sleeping any time  and anywhere you possibly could. About having fun, and living each day to the fullest. And, playing. must always find time to play.

the first 9 years were amazing, and pretty much pain-free. It was the next 6 months that were the hardest, and taught me the most. Dealing with his cancer has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. It really made me grow up.  It taught me about how to give up control, and simply trust that things would work out, in the best way possible. I have never felt so helpless in my life. This was something that was completely out of my control, and something I had to deal with, like it or not. After crying hysterically for half a day, I jumped in blindly, and learned everything I could on his horrible cancer. I talked to people, I found wonderful support groups, new doctors. And, got to know the old ones really well. I learned so much about it, in fact, that now others are referring me to people new to this subject. Who knew I could be such an expert on such a sad topic.

We have been doing everything we could, the natural way. It has taught me to really trust my natural intuition, and do what my gut says is right, not what the doctors say is right. We decided putting poison in his body was not the right thing to do. that was a really hard decision, bc we were afraid we weren’t doing everything possible for him. But, we were. So, sticking to our original decision taught me to really trust my instincts.

Now, I need to do what is right for him. We are now at the point of taking one day at a time. We need to be oh-so-strong for Koda. If he seems like he is in pain, and our options are not immediate, then we need to put him ahead of our wants, and gracefully, let him go. As incredibly hard as that will be, it is also a blessing that we have that ability. we know that he will always be with us in spirit. We both know that, as we still feel our cat Ozzy around, and she died over 4 years ago. I admit, that makes it a little easier. But, not much.

So, he is still teaching me…today it is to put the wants and need of others in front of my own. I want him to live to be 12. But, apparently, that is not meant to be. So, I must be ready when he needs me to. The last big thing we can do for him, to show us how strong our love for him is, is to let him go, whether we are ready or not. Because it is him that matters.

I really hope that this is just a down in the life of ups and downs, and that we will get this under control, too. But, if not, we will have to make that decision. so, Kodabear, if you could really understand the words I am saying, I would say to you: “Kodabear, you are the love of our lives.  We have both loved you more than you will ever know. You have taught us so much, and brought us so much happiness. We will never have another soul in our lives quite like you. You were the first dog we owned, and always felt like we had that special bond with you. You will be forever missed, but always in our hearts, and never forgotten. Ever. We are here for you, every minute of every day, and when the time comes, we will be with you, holding you until you leave this body. But, you will always be with us. Forever.”