A few days ago, I was playing on twitter. My actor “friend” was tweeting about Jesus Christ. Let me say, JC has always been a huge trigger word for me. It has been for my whole life. Every time I hear it, I feel myself tense up, and I pretty much STOP listening to the person who mentioned him. When I was younger, I had a real attitude about him, and all things religious. I tried to believe, but I just couldn’t. I lost friends to their new-found religious beliefs, which probably didn’t help my dislike for anything “God/JC related”.

Then, 5 years ago, when I started my spiritual soul-searching, I began believing in “Spirit”, the angels, the fairies and anything else mystical. That was a far reach from who I used to be, and those that knew me my whole life started seeing a different Jen. Some didn’t like it, thinking I had been brainwashed or something, some didn’t care. and some were no longer in my life at that point.

Yes, I am much different now, but all for the better! I am so much less judgemental, more accepting and loving. I am working (almost there) on being drama-free, going with the flow, and compassionate to all. I still have a ways to go, but I am happy to say, I am getting there.

Except for this whole JC thing. Just haven’t been able to shake that.

Until a few days ago. When said actor tweeted that he knew some people called JC a trigger for them, him included, I called him on it. I mean, he did, after all, have a picture of the being himself as his profile pic. He said it made him “Very uncomfortable. Yet, I had a calling. I’ve been vexed ever since trying to make sense of it”. Holy crap! that floored me!! I suddenly got this “a-ha/holy crap” moment. Basically, it was “if he can do it, then so can I”. I talked to Deborah, my intuitive coach, and she said she KNEW that all I needed was 1 session with her to let shift this. This emotional “wall”, if you will, that I had put up WHO KNOWS WHEN to completely block off anyone who even mentioned him to me, was going to be gone. just gone. I then knew, deep down in my soul, that this was what I was waiting for. I have known there was something that was keeping me from my full “intuitive abilities”, but I didn’t know what. Now, I do.

So, I am seeing Deborah tomorrow for my session, and we are going to clear those feelings. I know that part of me has been afraid to do it, and this is why: I am such a different person than I have been my whole life, and this belief (umm..anit-belief?) I have had against JC is one of the few things, if not THE only thing, keeping me tied to who I used to be. Wouldn’t I be a total hypocrite if I suddenly believed? What would people think of the new me? Would they like me? Will I change? AARRGGHGH” All these questions are roaming freely through my head now, taking over all my thoughts. After much thinking, and dreaming, here is what I have come up with:

Just because I knock down the wall between me and JC, it doesn’t mean MY beliefs will be different. I won’t be running around “praising the Lord” like some people. No way. I just won’t be so triggered by a “word” and “idea”. It will help me…it is already helping me accept that for some people, believing in him is what gets them through the hard times, the bad days. That is them, and that is fine. Personally, I have never needed that belief to get me through. I always just knew deep down that it would all be ok. What it means is now, to me, who cares. That is their belief. That does not have any affect on me. I won’t judge them for it, like I used to.

I will still be ME. Even if I am not the “old” me, I am still ME. The new improved version of me! The accept-everyone version. The “you-can-say-the words-JESUS CHRIST-in-front-of-me-all-day-long-and-I-won’t-cringe” version. Just because I am ok with all of that, doesn’t mean I have to believe in it myself. However, NOT having the block will mean there is not much left that is holding me back from where I want to be.

I have a lot of goals! I want to see spirits! I want to hear spirits! I want to see my soul mate, Kodabear, again. I want to do all this to improve my Reiki skills, and full-fill my massage therapists’ intuitive hit that I will be a “Healer to the Stars!” Heck yeah, I will be!

But, first, I must make it to, and through, my intuitive healing session with Deborah “Atianne” Wilson tomorrow. And let go of this nonsense that has been keeping me stuck.

More tomorrow!