Yesterday,  I once again had lunch with many of my old friends. And once again, it was a lot of fun talking and reminiscing with them about all the fun we had as youngsters. However, this time, there were a couple of people there that I ended on bad terms with because of an incident that happened with one of my roommates. I am not going into details about it, but let’s just say that a party, excessive alcohol and life-changing circumstances were involved with my best friend at the time. This incident ended with my roommate in jail, and several of my friends not talking to me anymore.

This was 25 years ago. I thought I had put it behind me, and that I had emotionally moved on. Even though I wasn’t directly involved, some people blamed me for it. They didn’t talk to me after that, including my best friend. Several months later, I got a new job, and didn’t see those people anymore. I am in a new life now, and thought it would be ok to see them again. Apparently, I was mistaken.

We made it through lunch. It’s not like anyone was rude to me. My “best friend” just pleasantly ignored me until I asked her a direct question. we talked a little with everyone, but it was still obviously awkward, at least to me. It wasn’t until today that I realized how much if affected me emotionally.  Even though I KNOW I didn’t do anything wrong, and it wasn’t my fault, suddenly all these feelings of guilt have come up from down under, and this is making me deal with it NOW.

So, today I have allowed myself to cry for the loss of my friendship, and feel anger towards those that have made me feel guilty. And sadness over the years of friendship that we COULD have had all these years, had we not invited that ONE person to the party. I took many deep breaths, and focused on letting those emotions be felt, and released. And then something happened.

I did a meditation and this came to me: “Jen, STOP being the victim. Nothing happened to you. Take yourself out of the equation, and think about how your friend felt.” So, I did. I put myself in her shoes.

I realized that, maybe, as hard as it was for me to see her, it was even HARDER for her to see me. Seeing me after all these years would more likely be bringing back all those feelings of what happened, even if she had dealt with them already. This incident was difficult for me, yet more dificult AND life-changing for her.  She has a great life now, hours away from here. Hopefully, she has moved on.  I began to move away from my own sadness/guilty/victim feelings, and started to feel compassion for her. If I had gone through what she had, I don’t know if I would have wanted to even come. but, she did. She set aside her own personal feelings to see the old gang again.

Looking at this from her perspective helped me lose my guilt. It helped me pull myself out of the equation, and see how incredibly strong she was for being there. I respect her for that. I realize our friendship is over forever, but feel proud of her for moving on, and putting this unfortunate circumstance behind her. As I focus on letting go of this guilt, sadness and anger I never even knew I had, I am taking deeper breaths, and feeling taller. I am allowing my heart to be even bigger, as those 3 emotions tend to take over and make it smaller, and protected. I reiki’d my own heart, and saw it grow. It was amazing.

Changing emotions from negative to positive is an amazing feeling. and letting go of any “stories” that have made you feel less than yourself, even better. I am glad our meeting made me look deeper into myself, and feel better about it all now. And, pulling yourself out of a “victim” story, especially when you weren’t even the victim, can only bring relief to all. Feels good to have done it.

So, I am now much happier on this beaiutiful Sunday afternoon in Colorado. think I will go enjoy the day now!

Until next time…