Last year, I did a past-life regression with my intuitive coach. We did 2 in one session. After completing the first one, I, loud and clear, heard the word “RAPE”. So, we investigated it.  She snapped her fingers and said “Where are you?” It was 13th century, and I was a beautiful peasant girl. I was 12. I was selling loaves of bread on the steps of the castle. There were 3 boys surrounding me, and taunting me. One of these boys raped me. Deborah asked me, in my trance state, if I told anyone about it, and I said “Yes, I told my (13th century) mother, but she told me to never tell a soul about it, and that it was all my fault”. Wow. That was pretty crazy.

A few months later, as I was successfully losing weight, I hit a self-sabotage roadblock. I realized that deep, deep down, I was fearful that if I was skinny and hot, I would once again be raped. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was still so deep down, that I felt like that and didn’t even know it. That was why over the years, I could never quite lose the weight I wanted so desperately to lose.

Last year, my goal had been to get to a size 8. As soon as I hit that, I sabotaged myself. Deep down, I STILL had those feelings. We worked really hard on letting it go, as I knew, logically, it wasn’t true.

Over the past year, I gained a tiny bit of the weight back, and am now working on moving forward and losing it all. I just did a meditation, and was told I needed to, once and for all, let go of that fear. After hearing “I should blog it”, I decided to write a letter to this beautiful little girl deep inside me. I guess, in a way, it is writing a letter to my soul, Esmerelda (the name just came to me).   Here it is. (It may be a little choppy, as I wrote it from the heart, and didn’t edit it much.)

“Dear beautiful, sweet soul, Esmerelda:

I am here to tell you that being beautiful on the outside does not equal getting raped. I know things are much different now then in the 12th century, so maybe life has simply changed that much, thankfully. You do NOT need to protect yourself from boys, and men. Every man who sees you, who really sees you, inside your soul, does NOT necessarily wish to have his way with you. It is ok for boys to look at you with want and desire in their eyes, towards what they see on the outside. You have no fear that anything bad will come of it. You may dress the way you so desire, you may be flirtatious, you are even allowed to enjoy the way they admire you. It does NOT mean that you will pay the price at a later date. Please know, that just because horrible things have happened to you in the past, it doesn’t mean they will happen again. It took many lifetimes to truly release those fearful feelings, and those deep feelings can simply vanish now.

I am here to tell you they can, and they will. in fact, they already have. Know, deep deep down, that you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside. You are a truly amazing soul, highly intuitive, highly psychic and all seeing and knowing. At this moment, letting go of these old fears, you will flourish into the amazing beauty you are meant to be. You will simply love everything about yourself. Your life, your man, your being. Know that people who meet you will take an instant liking to you, and it is ok. It is ok for the world to love you for who you are. It is ok for your beauty to come out to the world you are in now. You do not need to hide it behind weight anymore. You coming into the beautiful person you are supposed to be, will make your life flourish. What happened that fateful day in 1214 was NOT YOUR FAULT. That was a bad soul doing a bad thing, and had NOTHING to do with you. In no way did you ask for it, did you do anything to bring it on, and never, in eternity, will that happen again. Love yourself now, for the amazing soul you were, are, and will be in the future. Shine, Esmerelda, shine. You are a shining star, my beautiful one.

And, so it is….”