Wow. Times sure flies, huh? It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog post. Life is like that!

Today, however, is different. It is the 5th anniversary of my soulmate goldens’ death. Kodabear was the subject of many blog posts in the past. I think he was my muse, as back then, it was easy to write. The words would flow out of my fingers as I typed away. Now, it is not as easy. I have to motivate to write sometimes. Let’s see how this sit-down goes.

I never knew grief until I lost Koda. Before then, I lost all my grandparents, but that was all. I was sad, but they had lived long lives, and we knew it was coming. Dogs are such an amazing part of our lives, but they are always cut so short. It is even more heartbreaking.

Most of us have at least one person who loves us unconditionally—in most cases, our parents do. or a spouse. or a friend. but no one loves us as fiercely as our dogs do. Or cats. Pets….no one loves us as fiercely as our pets do! WE are their whole entire world. They rely on us for everything. And for the most part, we can do no wrong. For us, when we leave them more than a few hours, it hurts US more than it hurts them. They are just SO HAPPY we are home, they suddenly don’t care how long it’s been.

Koda was my rock. My soulmate. My best friend. Yes, I am married, but honestly, he was that for my husband, too. So, when we lost him to cancer, it rocked our world. I had never ever known grief like that. Quite honestly, it took me FOUR years to fully grieve and let my sadness go. FOUR YEARS of my life was spent being sad, and missing him every day. Of course, I was still functional in those 4 years, but I wasn’t the same happy-go-lucky Jen until a year ago. And then, it was because I took a class with my animal communication school where we spent 3 solid days allowing ourselves to fully grieve for our lost pets. What was interesting to me was it mostly took me simply allowing myself to cry hysterically, without judgement from myself or others. We were all doing it in class, at the same time. We are taught, as a society, to simply hide our feelings. I mean, “come on…he was JUST a dog. It’s not like he was a human. Just get another one! Wait…you are STILL sad about him? It’s been over a month. Maybe you should seek help from a professional or something.” No, these are not words from one single person. Just the words that many people put into our heads, without us even realizing. We internalize our emotions so much, and feel like something is wrong with us that we are THIS sad over an animal. WE think our friends don’t want to hear us anymore, or our family just doesn’t understand how we feel. Everything we do or see reminds us of our beloved animal, which then makes us miss them more. It is an endless cycle, and we don’t even realize how deep down sad we are, or how different we have become. Others may see it, and we may lose some friends, because we are so different. And unless someone has lost an animal too, our friends and family simply DON’T understand. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t justifiable. 

For me, the trick was to find friends who truly understood. I started to surround myself with other animal lovers, which wasn’t hard since I was in animal communication school at the time. We were ALL huge animal people, who for the most part, loved them more than humans! I also started to acknowledge how I was feeling. I wrote my blog posts. I talked to others who knew Kodabear.

We also found Luka, our next golden retriever, who made us so happy. We were able to focus our love on him, rather than our sadness on losing Kodabear. We allowed our hearts to love again, which is what Koda wanted all along. What we don’t realize is our animals don’t WANT us to be sad when they leave. They want us to find another to give our love to. If we ask, they will even help us find that someone. They know what we want, and what we need. Koda helped us find Luka. He told me he would be there when we went to pick out Luka, and to look for the puppy that came up to us. Sure enough, one puppy walked right up to Chris, and he was a boy. Bam. It was him. and now, I can’t imagine having any other dog with me. Shiloh loves him too, just like she loved Koda. They are completely different, but in good ways.

Everyone grieves a little different. But we all simply need one thing: time. The saying “time heals all wounds” is totally true. I never believed it, until last year. I am now “me” again. I see Koda’s signs all the time.

I still constantly find dimes. in bizarre places. And whenever I see a butterfly or a dragonfly, or a rainbow, I get a warm fuzzy feeling in my tummy, because I know it is him. He is here. Once in a while, when I really miss him, I get a strong pull to Luka. I go hug him, and in my minds eye, I feel Koda has merged into Luka, so I can visualize myself hugging him. It helps me sooo much. And, if I get emotional and feel like crying, I do. And then I always feel much better.

So, my advice to those who lose beloved pets: give yourself time, cry when you need to, and know that it is not “silly” to be this upset over losing them. They are part of our family. For some, they are our ONLY family. They love us no matter what, and we all crave that. It is just that with animals, we always have that. And remember, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you! In fact, many humans NEVER find this kind of love with another being, so feel blessed that you did!

And, to Kodabear: I feel you, I see you, I hear you. I love you forever, and I know I will never be without you.  I also know it is ok to be happy now, and to smile, laugh, and enjoy life. That is all you want for me!!

Until next time….xoxo