My Beautiful Kodabear.

Today is Tuesday, October 21, 3.5 days after you left me for the other side. Right now, all I want to do is hug your big, beautiful bear-like body. We cut some hair off of your tail before we left you at the vets office, and I find myself petting it a lot. I know that sounds weird, but strangely, it makes me feel just a little better. I close my eyes, and imagine myself playing with your big giant tail, and you looking at me like “Mom, what ARE you doing?” Yup, silly mom, once again.

I will admit, it has been very difficult without you. It is the little things that remind us of you….like, in the morning, Chris has to bring in his own coffee cup since you aren’t around to do it. and the newspaper–although suddenly, Shiloh seems to have stepped up and is bringing it in. You know Shiloh….anything for a treat.

Speaking of Shiloh, she is very sad without you. Not only has she lost her favorite pillow (yup–your butt!), she has lost her best friend. We have found that as long as we are doing stuff with her, like the rez and walks, she is happy. But, as soon as we get home, she seems very sad. She sleeps more, and just seems so lost and little without your giant body attached to her. I know, she will move on with time, and it has only been a few days, but still….we are raw from emotion right now. All of us.

I keep making myself remember the good times, and there were so many. And, remembering the fact that we had you for an extra, amazing 11 months after your life-altering diagnoses of hemangiosarcoma. there are not many dogs that have lasted that long. Then again, no other dogs have been you. Your amazing soul has touched so many beings in your short 10 years of life. Many many tears were shed after you left us. People all over the world were crying for you. You were this infectious, amazing being, and then you spread that through me. I was able to allow others to see your amazing spirit through me, my actions and my words. Words that I would not have been able to speak and write if it weren’t for you being here on earth with me. For that, I will be forever grateful. And, your spirit will live on through me, Chris, Shiloh and all others who  were able to meet you, in one way or another.

I have much grief right now, and it is also coming out in the form of anger towards others. I know this is not good for anyone, and I am trying the best that I can to let it go peacefully. That is what you, my beautiful boy, would want. Forgive and forget. and lick, of course, but I leave that part to you and Shiloh.

I have one last thank you, before I let you go back to your running through the big, green meadows, with your ears and lips flopping. We both thank you, from the bottom of our souls, for making the decision to leave us on your own. Your one last gift to us was NOT making us make that final decision for you. You made our dreams come true by leaving this earth on your own free will. We feel so blessed that we were all able to be by your side, loving and hugging you, as you made your transition to wherever it is one goes after life. thank you, thank you, thank you. We will be forever grateful for you for that, as it went as peacefully as possible. we could not have wished for more.

My vision of you right now is this… you and Robin Williams, sitting together in the spirit world, hanging out and telling knock-knock jokes. that would be perfect. It would be just like you to find someone who could really appreciate your kindness, loving  and happy ways to make them all better. May he treat you like the prince you are….

Until the next time I see you, my Kodabear….xxoo