My Dearest Kodabear,

Tonight marks 9 1/2 weeks since you left us. I guess I shouldn’t say you left us, because I know you are always with us. As time goes on, I can feel your presence more and more. The spiritual grief class really helped, and you giving me all the clues to look for when you are around were perfect. Like yesterday, finding 3 dimes spread throughout the house, was pretty dang cool. Especially the one that was sitting outside the back door, just like you used to do. Brilliant! That one made us both smile, and really helped Chris see and believe there may be something to this woowoo land we call the spirit world!

Since I have known you were with me, this transitional period hasn’t been quite as hard for me as it has been for Chris. He is really trying to be able to feel you, and trust just knowing that you are there. The saying “Time heals all wounds” is very accurate. We do feel much better now, and are finally able to talk about you and not cry. We can even tell goofy Kodabear stories and laugh. Boy, laughing sure feels good again. I found that once I finally allowed myself the opportunity to grieve, and cried my eyes out, and yelled, and was mad that you are gone, I was able to let go of some sadness, so the happy me could come out again. It did take a month, however. Chris finally allowed himself to grieve at about 5 weeks, and he was better then, too. Grief is not for the faint of heart, and that is the first time we have both really had to deal with a loss like yours. EVER.

One thing that has helped us move on, is the decision to get a puppy. A golden puppy, of course.  A boy, just like you. But, you already knew that, as we KNOW you were there to help us pick him out.  You told me in my grief workshop to look for the puppy that came towards us. Sure enough, one did. And it was a boy, just like we wanted. He seems mellow, just like you were. Man, this little boy sure has big shoes to fill. However, we know you will be right there with him, training him from your side of the universe. We also trust that you will guide Shiloh to love him just the way she loved you. And, the cats, and even Gabby. I know they can all see you, even though you are not “fully” there. Animals are just cool like that. Much cooler than humans, who seem to doubt everything we can’t physically see. I find life is much more fun since I simply began to “trust” and “just know”. And, you have really helped me with that, my beautiful boy.

So, as I sit here and write this on my last puppy-free night, I am writing you this letter to say thank you. Thank you for being my best friend, and loving me always and completely, unconditionally. Thank you for teaching me how strong and smart I am, and giving me the attitude that I can help fight until the very end. Thank you for helping me believe that I could learn everything there is to know about hemangiosarcoma, ear hematoma, and spinal arthritis, all in the last year as I also dealt with the knowledge that I could lose you at any moment. Thank you for all of our bonding times, and neighborhood walks, and being ok with not taking you on hikes and camping trips. (We tried that, remember? It didn’t go very well. So, when Deborah told me you wanted us to go camping and have a bonfire in remembrance of you, that struck me as a little funny. We will do that sometime for you, ok? Just not now!) Thank you for being the oldest of the pack, but letting Shiloh be alpha. She is pretty lost without you. She will love this little puppy as much as you. I know it. And I know you will lead her there.

So, as we focus our attention on the new member of our family, don’t worry if we don’t talk to you as much. Just knowing you are really there with us makes everything ok. We won’t feel the need to constantly talk to you, as we will be focused on training Luka. Luka. I think that will be his name. Of course, you never know til we have had him for a week or so. Right, Baracuda? Bahaha! Yeah, that name really didn’t fit you, did it?

I love you, Kodabear Baxter, now and forever. You will always be our first. You will be the standards that all others are compared to. You were perfect. You ARE perfect. Please, just stay with me forever, and be my guide. I will always keep you close.

So, until the next time I see a dime, or the rainbow, or a dragonfly…..xxoo, Jen

PS. We finally put the christmas decorations up tonight, 3 days before christmas. As usual, Silli is laying under the tree. Shiloh loves it too. I admit, we have not been in the christmas spirit without you this year. But, we know how much you loved christmas, and the tree, and decorations, and all of us hanging out, so we did it. Mom, Brute, Elena, Peter and Buddy will all be here Christmas, and will meet Luka. We will do a toast for you, so make sure you make yourself known, ok? xxoo