My beloved Kodabear Baxter,

My soul mate. My beautiful, first-born, perfect, huggable Mr Bear. I lost you 8 1/2 long months ago. It seems like forever when I was last able to hug your big bear-like body, as you licked me back with pure, unconditional love. This has been the most difficult time of my 49 years. I have never lost a soul that I loved more than you. Our whole pack has missed you like crazy. You were the glue that kept our family together. Everyone loved you so much, you were kind of like the king of the household. Even more so than Chris, since Chris looked at you that way as well. Losing you really affected us, even though we knew for 11 months that day was coming. Getting Luka was great, but it never took the sadness away from you.

Neither of us has ever gone through such grief before, so I must admit, we have not been very good at it. It is always the little things that catch us off guard, and make our eyes well up with tears, still, to this day. In the beginning, that was happening every day. The sadness overtook us, and we didn’t know how to let it go. All we wanted was you. But, that wasn’t possible.

As time went on, it seemed to get a little easier. But, then we would go through the sadness again, set off by something little. It seemed like the pain of grief would NEVER END.

Then, last week, I went away on a 3 day vacation with mom. I realized that since you had left us, I had not been away from home for one single night. Just getting away from the house, and re-focusing my brain on something new and happy seemed to really help me let go of my grief. All I had wanted for the past few months was to be my deep-down happy self again. by getting away from home, and my life, I was finally able to find that part of me again. I realized I could have fun, and it was ok.I alway knew that was what you wanted. you never wanted us to be sad, and not enjoy the happiness life can bring. We were so struck by NOT having you with us, we weren’t seeing all the happy life brought us.

It was like my brain was finally able to re-group and see good in everything again. Even in your death. I realize how lucky we both are to have had you for 10 years, to teach us about life, and about death. To teach us about compassion, and letting go and accepting that which you can not control. You have taught me about grief, and how to do it without letting it be all-consuming. That the only thing that really helps is time. By going through this time, I now feel that I can take on whatever life brings, gracefully and confidently. By going through this rough time, I am now fully able to help others who are going through it as well. I have learned what it is like, and have come out the other end with better understanding of it. With this knowledge, I am able to work it into my Reiki, and help my clients overcome their grief easier. With your help on the spirit side, I am able to have more confidence in my abilities as a Reiki master and Intuitive Healer. I know you are with me, the second I call your name for guidance in whatever I am doing.

With these words, I release the pain that I have felt since you left the physical world. Just like that, my sadness has turned into relief, knowing I can call on you at anytime, and you will be by my side. I have known this for months, but by simply saying it out loud, it is out there for the world to know. By releasing my pain, I am now able to concentrate on my Reiki program I have wanted to do for 8 months, to help people move through their own stages of grief faster, and easier. Having been there because of you, I will know first-hand what they are going through. It will make me a better therapist/healer/person. For that, I will always be grateful.

I love you with all my heart, Kodabear, and always will. But, my grief and my sadness are finally gone.

With so much love and gratitude,

Jen