My dear spirit of Kodabear.

Today is day 311 without you in your beautiful golden retriever form. I have been doing much better in the past 2 months, being here without you, where I can’t physically hug you and love you. You are constantly sending me signs that you are with me, which is why I really believe it. However, for some reason, the last few days have been more difficult again.

Many things are reminding me of you, and then I whell up, uncontrollably, and the tears start to flow. The more I try to ignore them, the more they come. So, now I just let them flow, and hope I am not in an awkward position. For instance, Friday I was driving up Violet Ave after Shilohs swimming lesson. I remembered how many millions of times you and I drove that road together, and when I would say “DEER” you would look to your left for the deer. It was so awesome! then, waterworks. Or…yesterday, driving up the mountain with Chris and Luka for Luka’s first big training session, I cried, thinking of you. I love Luka immensely, but his bouncing around in the car pushes me over the edge sometimes. I find myself yelling at him to stop, which he doesn’t do, then I yell louder, then Chris yells at me to stop yelling. Then I cry. I cry because I feel like a horrible dog owner that, instead of figuring out why her dogs misbehave, simply yells at them to stop. It is my gut reaction to yell, and that is not me. Well, that may have been the me I used to be, but not the me I am striving to be. I don’t want to ever yell again, as I do not like who that turns me into. Instead, I don’t want Luka and Shiloh to do things to GET me to that point. I have learned too, that the more you yell, the less they pay attention to you.

Luka did truly amazing at training. You would be proud (although, you were probably there with us, helping him.) Several people have now told us he is not your average Golden Retriever, only wanting to please humans. He definitely has his own little brain, and thinks for himself. The training we are doing takes that away, and trains him to do what you say. I really like it in some ways, as it helps the human/canine bond, and teaches him to do what WE say, but I also still want him to have fun. Just controlled fun. so, for now, he will be tethered to us a lot, and we will tell him what to do, to get him out of his right brain, and into the left one.This is all so new to us, as we never had to do any of this with you. We know 100% that you were an old soul, having been through all of this many times. You already knew everything, and did it all right. Now, as much as we knew that, we also know that Luka is a new soul. this is all brand new to him, and he wants to do it all his way. Because of this year that we have had, we have let him do his own thing. In a sense, we have created a monster….a sweet, loving monster, I will say. We would now appreciate all your help in assisting him to quickly learn these new ways, and shed the old ones. for my part, I am working on no more yelling at either one. I am trying to count to 10 when I have that urge to lose it. that is bringing me back into my zen body, and calming me down at that moment. Feels good to be there!

I also just cried this morning on my walk with Shiloh. This time it was probably because our walks still remind me of you, and make me miss you immensely for that moment. I have walked that strip hundreds of times with you, and you sniffed every inch of it, and peed on most of it. The more Shiloh and I walk it, the more I feel you with me, on my other side, smiling away as we walk the familiar sidewalk. At times, it feels good. Yet, times like today, it just makes me miss you even more. It reminds me once again that I am not able to ever touch and hug your big furry body again. I can in my mind and my dreams, but not in this human life.

So, what am I learning from all this? I am learning that all grief comes and goes in waves. It catches you off guard, hits you at the strangest times, in the weirdest places, and if you let it flow at the time, you will be quicker to move on at that moment. I now let it flow when I feel that desire. I always feel better afterwards, and then feel you closer to me, licking me in the face and snuggling with me, whispering in my ear that you are really here with me. You are still in all the same places you were when you were on earth. And, if I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and picture myself as I am at the time, I will see you laying at my feet, or by my side. I can feel you with me, in my heart, and in my hands, just not with my physical eyes.

Grief comes in stages, Koda. I know this. I have read this. and now, I am experiencing it because of you. you are still teaching me things, even 311 days after you have physically left me. and with my new found knowledge, I am able to teach and help others that are going through it as well. I am even going to start a Reiki package after it, soon.

So, as I wipe my eyes and move on with my awesome day, I smile. I smile because you, Kodabear, are with me always. Your spirit helps me keep going, even after your body is gone. I will love you forever, my big beautiful bear..

Jen xxxxooooo

until next time….