All morning, I have felt this feeling of sadness around me. I did 2 meditations: still had it. I sat and tried to figure out what’s up: still had it. So, while in my hot shower, I just let my mind go, and sure enough, it worked! Tomorrow is Kodabear’s 14th birthday! He only made it to 10, but still. How cool would it have been to be able to celebrate his 14th!!!

So, I decided I would write him a letter, since it’s been a while. 

Dear Mr. Bear.

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I wish more than ANYTHING in the world that you could come back tomorrow, just for your birthday! Remember your last one we celebrated? You made it to TEN! That was one of the things on our bucket list for you, and you made it! Mom, Peter and Buddy were all living here, and we all had a glorious celebration for you. It was so cool, because when they told us in November you had 1-3 months to live, we NEVER thought you would make it to August, let alone October! What a gift that was!

Actually, my beautiful soulmate, everything about you was a gift. You were our first dog. We had our cats before you, but you introduced us to a WHOLE new amazing world. One that we will be apart of until the day we die! You taught me about the connection a human can have with an animal. You taught me compassion. You taught me unconditional love. You taught me that snow was cool again! You taught me that being outside at the park can be uplifting, and that walks can be fun. You taught me that, with a little effort, everyone can get along, no matter what their differences. You taught me so much about life.

And, about death. You showed me how incredibly strong and brave I can be. How, when determined, I can be the advocate that EVERYONE wants. That I an amazing researcher, and have the ability to learn about anything, 100%, and then teach others about it. You showed me that I can get through ANYTHING put in front of me. That it is ok to cry. To mourn. To be sad. To be angry about the crap life throws at you. AND it is ok to take as much time as needed for it. no matter what!

And, you have taught me about the “other side”. You have shown me, through very very strange placements of dimes, that you are with me ALWAYS. ( Really? in the middle of the catfood dish? Clever!)

All I have to do is say your name, and I can feel your presence next to me. That I have this amazing ability to connect others the same way. I can assure them that their dearly departed souls are with them, and tell them their signs as well.

And, again, through all this, I learned about animal communication.  The first time we had a connection was in June 2016, when we thought we were losing you. Do you remember that, Koda? You told us you were ready to “fly away home”. But, you didn’t want to leave if we weren’t ready. I sat down, looked you in the eye, and told you we would be ok, if you needed to go. You gave me this look back, got up and licked me allll over the face, thanking me. However, you chose to stay, because you knew Chris wasn’t ready. I know you knew he would NEVER be ready, but when it happened, he would be ok. And then when you DID leave, you gave us the amazing gift of leaving on your own. I know you almost left your body by yourself, and that probably would have been ok with you. But, I caught that special panting you were doing. We all gathered around and laid with you as you took your final breath here, before running through the grassy fields there. You gave me my first “loud and clear” message that night–do you remember? You told me you didn’t want me to see you like this. So, I honored that, and took Shiloh and we went to bed, leaving Chris with you, until he called us down for your final breath. I am very happy I was able to hear you, and honor your wishes. That meant a lot to me.

Which, of course, means you also introduced me TO my animal communication that I am currently doing. It is an amazing feeling, relaying messages from an animal to their person. Because of you, I know I can do that, and I am truly doing it. I am trusting what I hear in my head, and passing it along, with no doubt in my mind it is honest. You are helping me with that, too. I call you in. I call you in on all my Reiki I do. You are the best guide EVER. I truly appreciate that!

Well, Kodabear Baxter. We WILL do something to honor you tomorrow. We will, at the very least, take the others to the park, and sit on Koda hill. That is my favorite spot. I sit there, and can feel you with me, checking out the scenery. You sat there for 45 minutes on your last night alive. We all knew it would be your last trip to the park. I think you did too. It was a pretty emotional trip.

Here we are spreading your ashes on Koda bill. See? You ARE at the park!

If you were still physically here with us, we would give you so.many.hugs. We would give you your favorite bully stick. We would take you to the park. We would tell you how much we love you. I guess Shiloh and Luka will be getting an amazing day tomorrow. We will picture you right there with us. Leave us a dime so we know ok?

We love you, Mr. Bear! Happy 14th Birthday!!! xoxo

With all the love in my heart…

Your momma

Kodabear Baxter McCaleb August 7, 2004-October 18, 2014